In this book I will introduce you to hundreds of funny, stupid and strange sayings for your everyday life.
This collection came from a variety of different sources like the Internet, emails I received from friends, things I heard at the local pub, at my hairdresser and other everyday life experiences.
Get ready, since it must be the largest collection of this kind.
Carry these funny writings with you and have a laugh at parties, the bar or at a family get together. Because this is an E-Book version you may take it where ever you go in need for a laugh.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Title
Table of contents
Preface
Cars, Transportation and Vacation
- Fun things to do when driving
- Funny things to do on a bus
- Funny things to do on an international flight
- GM Like Computer Industry
- His And Hers Road Trip
- How to know where a driver is from
- Drive through ATM procedures
- Rules of the road in Florida
- Driving styles
- Signs your car should be recalled
- Down South Bumper Stickers
- 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy in a hotel
- Funny English notices around the world!
- Funny things to do in an elevator
Computer, Internet and E-Mail
- Funny things to do in the computer lab
- Computer, the less you know, the more you make
- Is Windows a virus
- New Viruses on the loose
- You've been programming too long when
- Complaint letter to NTL
- Computer acronyms
- Signs your partner is addicted to internet porn
- Computer term dictionary
- Email anonymous
- Email commandments
- Essential disk care guide
- French computers
- Girl Friend 1.0
- Boyfriend 5.0
- Clean the mouse
- Computer gender
- How to please your I.T. department
- Year 2000 programs
- Cybersex chat
- How to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
- Signs your online relationship isn't working out
- Why E-mail is like a penis
- Signs that someone is using your e-mail account
- Signs your spouse may be having an on-line affair
- Top 10 signs someone plays too many video games
- You are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet
- Helpdesk Log
- Helpdesk rules
- Your new computer
- Helpdesk callers
- Helpline loser
- Computer support problems report form
- Computer Quotes
Eating and Drinking
- Funny things to do in a drive-thru
- Funny things to order a burrito or burger
- Funny things to do in a supermarket
- How to annoy people in a restaurant
- How to annoy your waiter
- Funny ways to order a pizza
- Things you don't want to hear from a guy at Starbucks
- Things overheard at Martha Stewart's Thanksgiving dinner
- Questions to ask yourself before buying egg nog
Film, Television and Celebrities
- Things you wouldn't know without movies
- Things I can say now that I lost "American Idol"
- Good things about winning an Academy Award
- Things heard outside the new Mel Gibson movie
- Changes CBS is making to the Grammys
- Top 10 catch phrases Ryan Seacrest rejected before "Seacrest Out!"
- Good things about having a stripper as a news anchor
- Things I have learned interning at the LATE SHOW
- Messages on Britney Spears' answering machine
- Dumb guy complaints about "The Lord of the Rings"
- Bad things about having a summer time share with Darth Vader
- Top 10 TV shows in Iraq
- Annual Darwin Awards
- Al Roker explanations for why it's so cold
- Top Country Classics
- Reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
- Ways Michael Jackson would be cooler if he lived in the Star Wars Universe
General knowledge
- State Mottos
- Acronyms least used in personal ads
- The word F**k
- Shit - The most functional word
- The shit list
- Strange facts about death
- Lincoln and Kennedy: Amazing Facts
- Only in America
- New Year's resolutions you can keep
- So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? Well!!!
- Guide to translating personal advertisements
- The things that prove you're a New Yorker
- Dilbert's latest vocabulary additions
- Ever wonder
- How to make life simpler
- Smart ass answers
- Murphy's lesser known laws
- The 13 rules of life
- Rules of Humor
- Biggest lies
- Dumb people
- Signs you've had too much of the 90's...
- Life Quotes
Home, Household and Shopping
- Funny instruction labels
- Product wording
- Questions received by the 'Toro Snow Blower' hotline
- Signs you're being stalked by Martha Stewart
- Greeting cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark card
- Top 10 reasons why trick or treating is better than sex
- Dorm shower fun
- Funny things to do in the bathroom stall
- Restroom funnies
- Things you don't want to hear from your Real Estate Agent
- Funny shirts
- Valentines, Redneck Style
Kids and Animals
- A Teenager is...
- Application to date my daughter
- Never argue with kids
- Murphy's Law regarding children
- A woman's experience with children
- A daughter's letter home
- Things not to say to your new girlfriend's parents
- Rules for dating a drill instructors daughter
- My mother taught me
- Children's books not recommended by the National Library Association
- Signs that you've grown up
- Mommy, Mommy!
- You're an 80's child if...
- Does your cat own you
- Does your dog own you
- Children Quotes
- Grandma
- Breast Milk advantages
Medicine and Health
- Actual Medical Charts
- A brief history of medicine
- Comments from Dr's Patients
- Medical advancement
- Psychiatric hotline
- Things not to say during childbirth
- Euphemisms for impotence
- How to handle stress
- Cigarette Warnings
- True Doctor Stories
- You know you are addicted to coffee if…
- Signs that you're broke
- Reasons I'm happy to have been born February 29th
- You know you're a nurse if...
- Top 10 ways to know if you have "Estrogen issues"
- You may need a new psychic if...
- Things you don't want to hear during surgery
- Fatal things to say to your pregnant wife
- Signs your family is stressed
- Top 10 signs you know you've joined a redneck HMO
- The perks of being over 40
- Signs of PMS
- OLD…
- Top 10 slogans for Viagra
- Age Quotes
Money, Business, Law, Criminal and Justice
- Two Cows: A small guide to international markets
- Downturn in the stock market
- Stock Market Investment tips
- Criminal Hall of Shame
- Business Rules
- Business talk
- Corporate Structure
- Things never to say to a cop
- You might be a cop if...
- You know you need a different lawyer when…
- Real things said in court
- Excuses of the guy arrested for smuggling 750 pounds of Bologna
- Things that sound dirty in law but aren't
- Professionals test
- Courtroom fun
- 10 Husbands, still a virgin
- Money Quotes
- Lawyers Q & A
Miscellaneous
- How to annoy people in general
- Things that piss me off
- Top ten least popular self-help books
- Newspaper Headlines
- Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
- Age success
- True embarrassing moments
- Multilingual swearing
- Farting people
- Funny things to do on an essay you don't care about
- Bored beyond belief
- Simplified dump
- Blondes and Bimbos
- I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…
- Blonde inventions
- Things we learned from the Mars Rover
- You must be a redneck if...
- Martha Stewart's rules for rednecks
- Southern comments
- Orange kangaroos in Denmark
- Maintaining your insanity
- 'Classic' Quickies
- Funny One Liners
- Wisdom Quotes
- Writers Quotes
Party, Recreation and Sport
- Bored in a party
- Hangover ratings
- Sotally Tober
- Signs that you are too drunk
- Alcoholic side effects
- The 12 stages of drunkeness
- Beer troubleshooting
- Beers for geeks
- Fun pool activities
- Male's recreational preferences
- 5 Stages of being drunk
- List of put downs to men
- Bedroom Golf
- Supplemental rules for Bowling
- 10 Reasons not to jog
- Things in golf that sound dirty
- Why fishing is better than sex
- Baseball Hall of Fame
- Things about being a New York Yankee
Politics and Government
- How to mess with the IRS
- New Tax Laws
- Funny Quotes from Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Things Governor Schwarzenegger hears in a typical day
- Dear Internal Revenue Service
- Be politically correct with men
- Top 10 things never before said by a Presidential candidate
- Signs Hillary Clinton wants to be Vice President
- Top 10 secrets learned from Saddam Hussein's papers
- Questions asked by Saddam Hussein when he was captured
- Reasons George W. Bush wants to put a man on Mars
- Signs Bush is considering dumping Cheney
- Things about being named George W. Bush
- Political Quotes
Religion
- Funny things to do at a funeral
- Funs things to do to when Jehovah Witnesses come to visit
- Top 10 reasons God created Eve
- Zen
- Top 10 things you never hear in church
- Heaven and Hell
- Dear God
- Letter to God
- You know you are in a Texas church when…
- Biblical Bumper Stickers
- Catholic Dictionary
- A brief guide to religious philosophies
- In the Garden of Eden
- Bill Gates' adventures in heaven
- Top 10 song titles on the Pope's new album
- Stay awake in the sermon
- Carols for the psycho challenged
- Religious Quotes
School and Studies
- Funny things to do in class
- Funny things to drive your roommate crazy
- Funny things to do on an exam
- How to write a college paper
- Excuses for your English classes
- Been in college too long
- Why studying is better than sex
- Check your Dirty IQ!
- Brain exercise
- How to annoy people in a library
- University seminars for men
- University seminars for women
- Excuse notes
- New Elements
- College entrance exam for student athletes
Women and Men
- Things not to say during sex
- Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women
- The perfect day
- What men would do if they had a vagina for a day
- What women would do if they had a penis for a day
- Making love to a woman
- 10 Ways to know you've had good sex
- How many calories do we burn during sex
- Difference between men and women
- The geography of a woman
- Things not to say to a naked man
- Things not to say to a naked woman
- How to drive your wife crazy
- He said she said
- Female stages of life
- Great reasons to be a guy
- Female laws to live by
- Facts of life
- Definitions by gender
- Why do men die first
- Difference between man and woman showering
- 20 truths about men
- Compare the genders
- ABC's of ex-girlfriends
- Advantages of being a woman
- Answers to everything
- A little poem
- My dick is so big
- 8 things you'll never hear a woman say
- Which condom would you use
- Why aren't you married
- The man’s guide to female English
- The woman’s guide to male English
- How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage
- Reasons to call it a night
- Dictionary for women
- True meanings of male statements
- Top 10 things only a woman understands
- Top 10 signs you should get a divorce
- Women Quotes
- Men Quotes
- Marriage Quotes
- Love Quotes
Work and Occupation
- Ways to have fun in the workplace
- How they have sex
- You might be an engineer if...
- Employee Appraisal / Counseling Sheet
- Automated Payroll Processing System
- Certificate of A*****e
- Some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work
- Evaluation Comments
- Retire aged personnel early
- Job Wording
- You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if…
- Office humor
- Employee training
- Last day on the job
- Who's in charge
- Job interview
- New work policies
- Actual Employee performance evaluations
- Reasons for being fired from Toys 'R' Us
- 10 office rules
- Application to McDonald's
- Memo from the accounting department
- Reasons to go to work naked
- Work Quotes
Epilogue
About the Author
Other Publications
Copyright
